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My plan was foiled, however, when Hurricane Hermine struck the coast and left me stuck at home with my family, where we all got drunk and played a full game of Monopoly. When I returned to New York, I realized that I wasn’t going to get anyone to meet up face-to-face on any of these sites.

So instead, I began questioning all the people I was messaging about why they had turned to online dating.

I couldn’t tell the difference between live chats, messages, winks, likes, and whatever else was going on.

The interface was so confusing that I couldn’t figure out if the messages were to me, or ones I had sent.

The site looks like it was designed on Microsoft Word in 1997, but it’s simple to use, and it’s free.

The registration process was thorough: Asking my preferences from eye color all the way to income.

A couple days into my quest for love, I was getting messages from some people who lived five miles away, and others who lived in Germany and Japan.

minus the guys that were just looking for nude photos, of course.

After a month of mostly trivial conversations about the weather, what it’s like to live in New York, and if I would consider getting a Kik account, I can now say 100% that military dating sites suck.

Still, I held out hope, and then I tried my luck in Norfolk, Virginia, while visiting my parents over Labor Day weekend.

Being the site of the world’s largest Navy base, I thought sheer numbers might result in an actual encounter.

We would have conversations about hobbies, school, the weather, and weekend plans, but no one wanted to exchange phone numbers, or set up a place to meet.