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Opinionated, in which readers have questions about the pesky day-to-day choices we all face, and I give advice about how to make ones that (hopefully) best reflect our shared commitment to feminist values—as well as advice on what to do when they don’t.I feel that sex is only valuable to me when I’m sharing it with someone I love and trust completely and I can’t enjoy it when I don’t feel that my heart is safe.(And if he did, he’d be a different person and maybe not one you could love.) The real deal is that you’re quite uncomfortable that your boyfriend doesn’t share your values about sex, and you’re that much more uncomfortable that he has these close female friends with whom he does share those values and friendships of which you’re not a close part.In fact, you’ve allowed that discomfort create a whole situation in your head in which they are conspiring against you, treating you as an “intermission” to their no-strings-attached bonefest and considering you a laughingstock, with no evidence.
You need to accept what he’s saying at face value and given the evidence of his current behavior: that your relationship has meaning to him, that he is being faithful, that his friends-with-benefits situations with his friends were not Relationships no matter how you understand friends-with benefits, even if he’s had sex in both situations and gone to the movies in both situations.
We go to the movies, go to dinner, come home, have sex, hold each other and talk, etc.
All things he did with them, and yet somehow he says it’s not the same to him and I don’t understand.
Other than the foolish admission that he’d probably bone them again if single, by your own admission, you don’t think he’d cheat on you, he doesn’t behave in a more-than-friends way towards his former fuck buddies and he’s told you that he’s not interested in doing anything with them because he’s with you.
In fact, he drawn boundaries with his friendly former fuck buddies: he doesn’t fuck them! Presumably argued until he’s blue in the face that they need to trust him and that he wants to be and is monogamous with them.
It’s something I only share with the person I’m with, and it distinguishes the difference between friendship and love for me.