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At the airport and in line for my ticket, I am forced to fly Midwest Airlines because they are the only airline that cares enough about Milwaukee to fly there. ” Guy “Yes sir, heading home after a vacation.” Tucker “Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee? Whatever, they’ve never fucked a midget, they don’t matter. Do they get pissed if you set your drink on top of their head? Do they get to live in those cool apartments with the really low door handles and counters? Since their arms are too short to reach their crotches, how do they wipe? Even more to the point, what do their pussies feel like? Their Miller Lite bottles looked massive as they gripped them with both of their tiny little hands.A very nice, very Midwestern couple is in front of me. The flight was nearly intolerable; my mind was spinning with questions. Their humongous foreheads and brow ridges were raised in excitement as they laughed at a tiny little joke. I think my heart might explode.” Soylent “You are so fucking weird.” Then I saw her: My Midget Princess.
Her missing neck and bowlegs gave me an idea what Gwyneth would look like if placed in a vise and squished to one-quarter size.Come on man, stop playing.” Drunk Rex “Tucker, I am DEAD serious. It’s like the circus and The Wizard of Oz are in town at the same time.I swear on my life there are hundreds of midgets here.” [10 second pause] Tucker “I am on the next flight.” It took me about 40 seconds to throw clothes into a duffle bag.That group was me, Drunk Rex, Soylent Green, our female friend Jessie…and three midgets, one female and two male.Tucker [whispering] “Jessie, there are three midgets with us.” Jessie [normal voice] “I know, I invited them. [pointing at Jess, who is half black, half Italian] Soylent, you think you could set me up with some black pussy?! Goddamn man, that is Afro-Italian pussy…what do you think, I’m running a midget convention whore house special?
The call to Junior (from “The Vegas Story,” which is only published in ) was the best: Junior “What is wrong with you?